Trauma Junkie
How do we transform our pain into something that rather than crushing our bones from the inside, helps us sprout wings and allows us to soar? This is a question I’ve been asking myself for months now.
Over a decade ago, I joined AA on behalf of my then partner. In support of him really. He had insisted that if he was going to give up his substantive vices that I was to do the same. In retrospect, I now realize what he really did was offered an ultimatum - and the energy behind it was either I was in or I was out of the relationship. I agreed and we embarked on the recovery journey. For myself, I didn’t have what I considered a problem with alcohol, cannabis or any other substance and giving these things up was actually fairly easy.
The difficult piece was waking up daily with debilitating anxiety. An anxiety that took me years to realize originated in my childhood. The 2-3 times weekly use of alcohol and/or weed calmed my nervous system enough to allow for relatively easy sleep and a calm upon waking. Studies have now shown that even one glass of wine can decrease anxiety and stress levels into the next day. At that time when I was imbibing, it was usually a glass or two of some whiskey drink, followed by a puff on a pipe - so definitely enough to keep me sedated.
What I came to realize was that I had learned to self medicate, like so many of us do. To quell that everlasting anxiety that spiked through my heart and up into my throat immediately upon waking. So strong that I couldn’t breathe lower than my upper chest, regardless of the yoga and breath work I would practice daily and early to try and slow my heart rate. Morning anxiety is what woke me. I didn’t need morning coffee. I partook in morning panic and that carried me well into the afternoon.
During my time in the recovery community I began realizing, we are all in recovery from something. Though I didn’t consider myself to have a problem with alcohol or weed, the use of those substances kept me oblivious from the truth of what lay beneath their sedating effects. My nervous system was in shambles. From years of both big and little daily traumas. From years of living on high alert. In a hyper vigilant state of arousal - from perpetually waiting for the next colossal crumbling of my life.
My body became attuned to these stress hormones. For me, waking up in the morning without the sedation of substance, became a PTSD trigger- stress hormones coursed through me like I was in imminent danger. Since that time, I’ve learned that my symptoms and history can be packaged into a C- PTSD diagnosis - complex post traumatic stress disorder. Which means my brain has a haywire response to any kind of stressful event and my stress hormones behave differently than a person who is attuned to safety rather than danger.
In many studies of people with a history of chronic childhood trauma/abuse, their cortisol levels are shot, lower than normal on the daily, but insignificant stressors can cause their system to erupt in a torrent of this fight/flight hormone regardless of if it’s needed. This is just one of the infinite number of ways a dysregulated nervous system can manifest.
And by some major fuckery of the body/brain connection - because this dysregulation is “normal” to my system, - as an adult, I’ve sought out situations that perpetuate these cycles of chemical imbalance in my system. This is one of the reasons it’s so hard to heal from early trauma. Because the brain has developed through these trauma triggers, is attuned to them and ultimately winds up seeking them out. Ever heard that phrase…”better the devil you know, then the devil you don’t.”
It might be difficult to shift your brain chemicals, patterns of thought, behaviors and ultimately your life trajectory, but with awareness, a measured approach, tools for coping and healing and a commitment to the process, anything is possible.
I spent the first decade of my adulthood in darkness, completely unaware that I was living through my trauma triggers and sedating myself as a means of coping. My second decade of adulthood was spent tapping into this awareness and dedicating myself to learning, practicing and sharing tools for coping and managing traumas and their triggers and in this, my third decade of adulthood, I’ve taken full responsibility for my healing and am committed to helping others reclaim their lives. Using the tools I’ve studied and practiced over the last decade, I’ve created a healing program specific to rewiring our brain chemistry, recalibrating the nervous system to safety and ultimately shifting our ways of engaging the world so that we reclaim our power and resilience and approach life with joy, trust and a knowing that we are capable, confident and worthy of living the truth of our desires and sharing our gifts with the world.
